Ashton Kutcher Still Going To Play Steve Jobs

ashton-kutcher

Our national nightmare continues. As America braces for the wave of Steve Jobs biopics, one man has us huddling in our hovels, blankets tattered, awaiting the end. Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs.

Denial

The guy from Two And A Half Men? That guy is going to play Steve Jobs? What else has he done?

…so, a guy who pretty much knows how to play dumb like whoa is going to be Steve Jobs? What? No. This can’t be true. This is an Onion article you sent me.

 

Anger

This guy who oversold human trafficking in the United States and got angry at anyone who debunked his statistics? Steve Jobs is rolling in his grave right now, to the point of creating a perpetual motion machine that will power this globe like never before!

I am going to exact revenge on this, Kutcher. You will be Punk’d into the afterlife.

 

Bargaining

Well, maybe if the studios gave him that kind of money, perhaps they know something we don’t. Ashton can act, right? I mean, he did The Butterfly Effect. That didn’t make me want to vomit out my eyeballs. The Guardian was quite inoffensive. I mean, I forgot the movie even existed.

 

Depression

It’s… it’s real, isn’t it? This is it. And he’s dating Mila Kunis. We won’t be able to stop it. Life, death, and Ashton Kutcher: it’s all inevitable. We’re just hamsters on a wheel, spinning freely and ineffectually.

Ashton Kutcher will be Steve Jobs and everything is over.

 

Acceptance

Everything might be over, but there is an Aaron Sorkin Steve Jobs movie. He’s much better when he doesn’t have complete unrestricted freedom on the page. It’s going to play out across three scenes? That seems weird, but it’s fine. It’ll be fine.

We’re going to be okay.

(Jobs, starring Kutcher, premieres at Sundance 2013.)

 

QuestionHow are you handling the Kutcher wave? 

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