Alternate title: Cinemark to reward you for not being a dickbag. Alt-Alt title: Cinemark to pay you to be a semi-decent human being who acknowledges that the movie theatre isn’t your own personal screening room. Anyway, the actual story: Cinemark has an app that will dim your phone and, if you don’t touch your phone and exit out of the app, will give you coupons.
I… I don’t have much strength to go on, if this is what it has come to. So, the app is this — fire it up, go into CineMode. The longer you leave the app alone, i.e., not touching your phone at all, you will acquire more coupons for concessions and lower movie ticket prices.
Which is nice, because it also heralds the end of polite fucking civilization, where we have to reward people for not being a wad. And don’t get me wrong, put it on vibrate if you’re worried about your kids or some shit. If your phone buzzes, take five seconds to find a way to not light up the whole theatre.
And if you answer it in the theatre, no one will find your body. What remains of you will be fed to five different wolves in five different zip codes.
While CineMark may be caving to these charlatans, there is one theatre chain that holds the line. And that chain is the Alamo Drafthouse.
God, I love those beautiful bastards. Across the pond, the Prince Charles theatre is sending out cinema ninjas to shut your stupid face up. Hence the headline picture above.
The CineMark app is on iOS and Android, in case you feel the need to be rewarded for not ruining everyone’s day out of the house. (But if you were planning on being courteous anyway, like a normal person, might as well get cheaper nachos out of it. Nachos are expensive as hell.
Question: Am I justified in slitting a phone-answerer’s throat in the theatre? Would any jury convict me?