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Cloned Dogs Rioting In New York (And Puppy Pics)


It’s begun. I’m all for scientific breakthroughs, but there are times when science is just plain wrong. Two cloned dogs are, according to residents, terrorizing Manhattan’s Upper West Side, and are never leashed in public.

Gary Rintel, 45, calls himself a writer and is a “trust fund layabout.” So there’s that and I already want to punch him a lot. Anyway, he loved his dog so much that when Astro — yes, the dog’s name was Astro — died, he made a hat out of the dog.

That wasn’t enough — he decided to spend $140,000 to get the collie mix cloned twice. And now he’s walking around Manhattan letting Cosmo and Retro run around unleashed. And currently they’re terrorizing the neighborhood. One resident noted that one of the dogs (you can’t tell which because they are both abominations) attacked his Labrador puppy and bit his hand.

We have exclusive footage of this incident:

It went down exactly like that.

Anyway, Rintel’s paid over $2,000 in fines for not having his dog leashed, but with the aforementioned trust fund, it seems like it doesn’t even faze him. So the dogs are just running amok, even going so far as to run into a building to chase after a dog.

Soon we will see the rise of the clone dogs. Someone will soon clone their Rottweiler to attack these cloned Collies and they will battle. The victor will become more powerful. Because that’s how bad science works. As we begin the canine arms race, Manhattan will be flooded with duplicated dogs.

What next? Cats? Of course cats. Dogs will eat the cats. Clone ’em!

Dog food supplies will run out. What will they eat then? What will be their food supply, readers?

They will come for us. Gaze upon the army of our destruction and despair. 

Wait, how’d a hedgehog get in here? Dammit, Sam.


It’s not the zombie apocalypse, it’s the twisted DNA of these copied animals that will be our doom. We will have no choice but to turn to SkyNet.

After that, my friends, we are well and truly screwed.

Question: What will you do, when the crazy canine clones come for you?