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Justin Bieber Murder Plot Foiled

Justin Bieber

A prison inmate in New Mexico dreamed up and set in motion a plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber… and then for reasons unknown, called the authorities on his own dastardly plan.

Dana Martin is a convict in a Las Cruces, New Mexico prison, serving two life sentences for the rape and murder of a 15-year old girl in Vermont in 2000. Apparently, somewhere along the way, he got super into Justin Bieber, even going to the point of tattooing the pop star’s face on his leg.

On his leg. I don’t know. Maybe his back was full of Kris Kross tats. I don’t know him.

So he recruited a fellow inmate who was getting released. Mark Staake, for reasons beyond my comprehension, agreed to murder and castrate Justin Bieber. Staake, believing that the family that castrates together, stays together, recruited his nephew, Tanner Ruane (someone name a guy with the first name of Tanner that wasn’t an absolute dickhole), to execute the plan when Bieber was performing at Madison Square Garden.

Martin told police the plan was to kill Bieber and his bodyguard with paisley ties — apparently a signature of Martin’s. These are paisley ties:


It’s unknown why — perhaps Martin thought castration just wasn’t, y’know, classy enough — but Martin blew the whistle on his own plan, and Staake was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. The nephew was nabbed in New York City. He was carrying pruning shears.

Pruning shears. That… that’s one way of doing it, I suppose. Was Tanner just playing a bunch of Clock Tower?

So Justin Bieber still has all his bits. At least, I would believe so. I don’t know his deal. We aren’t exactly friends or anything, but he still remained unmurdered.