Missing Movember


You guys, it’s December. And before we prance into our holiday glee we must take the appropriate time to mourn the loss of Movember and the glorious facial hair that came with it.

But when you finish that, it’s time to move(mber) on. See, even I can’t stop thinking about it.

If you want, you can click through this slideshow of awesome face carpet while listening to this song.

5 best ways to cope with a newly shaved face

  • Bask in the Smoothness – few things are better than a freshly shaved face. Take some moisturizer to that bad boy and really get that baby butt softness going! Ladies will love it. Ladies – you will love it.
  • Scarf it up – You’re probably saying “but what about the warmth my luscious chin lawn used to provide me with?” As the weather gets colder and places like Williamsburg and Silverlake and (insert European hipster mecca here) become more popular, as does the scarf become more socially acceptable. Grab a patterned fabric, wrap it around your head and rejoice in warmth and style!
Joe Beretta Coping With His Newly Bare Face
  • Eat Soup – The hands down worst part of having a beard is the inability to enjoy a bowl of soup (usually chowders and bisques) without your nose broom filtering out some of the goodness. Not any more, baby, that beard is GONE! Go get yourself a bowl and get into it face first!
  • Remember the Itchiness – No longer are your fingers occupied on long drives or during class clawing at your skin to relieve the itch any good beard brings. Yes, it’s a valiant expense we endure for our longshoreman mask, but without the beard itch, your fingers are now free to attend to other itches in more exotic places. Journey on, my phalangeal friends!
  • EMBRACE IT – “But without my beard I look so young!” So, you look younger that just means maybe you can get a babysitter again. Everyone loves a good babysitter. Think about it, pizza and SNICK were the best ways to spend Saturday nights in 1996. Aw, here it goes!

So before you fall into a scruffless slump thinking things will never be as good as they were in Movember, remember: You can always grow it again if things get too bad. But under no circumstances should you be one of those people who try to turn Movember into Decembeard. Or Janu-Manchu. Or Febeardary. Or Marchstache. Or… I don’t know these are hard to come up with.

Comment below with some good facial hair months. It’ll help you cope and help me finish this article. EVERYONE’S HAPPY!

God speed and smooth sailing!

PS – To the women: I know we look different, so if you see an insecure, beardless man, help him out and give him a hug.